Category: Parenting – Teens

The Hand-Off

Posted on by hammfam

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Lately I’ve become sentimental, thinking about our oldest starting high school next year. Only 4 years left with her in the home. Only 4 more summers all together. Only 4 more years to impart to her all the wisdom and character and life skills we have yet to make time for! We were told over and over again to “cherish the little years – for the days are long but the years are short” and now it seems SO TRUE!!

 

In light of the brevity of our time left with our daughter at home, the temptation could be to tighten the reigns of control to make the most of the days left of training. However, instead, it seems that the path of wisdom is to begin a gradual “hand-off” of ownership in different areas of her life.

 

We realized recently that the time had come for such a hand-off of ownership when we heard our daughter speaking of “your values” and “your guidelines.” We realized we needed to transition her to formulating her own values and guidelines in certain areas.

 

We don’t want our children to leave our home simply having followed our guidelines based on our values. We want to impart to them the wisdom to formulate their own values, and principles of action consistent with those values.

 

The example at hand for us was modesty. Our daughter respectfully agreed with our values on modesty, saw the biblical basis for those values, and submitted to the family guidelines. However, they were very much “our values.” That needed to change! “Our values” won’t be as effective to her in college or as a young adult when she is no longer in our home. We want her to have “her values” established. Now seems like the time for this transition to begin. And with ownership comes both privilege and responsibility.

 

She was tasked with the job of coming up with her personal values on modesty. I had her spend some time looking up bible verses and reading some examples of modesty guidelines. She wrote out her own thoughts on the subject – first her values, and then her guidelines based on those values.  This order is significant – first values, then guidelines!

 

Then we then did a really brave thing… we told her that we would allow her to make some of her clothing decisions based on her value statement, even if they were a little different than ours. There would be some clear “no’s” but she would have more freedom in the grey areas as long as she was being consistent with her values. It feels more important to teach her to develop and live according to her own biblically-based values and principles than to have her adhere to our specific set of rules.

 

This could easily apply in the area of technology as well. As parents, we are rightly trying to impart “our values” and “our guidelines” to our children about technology usage. For little ones, that is called good parenting! For teens, it may be time to begin the hand-off. Perhaps you could ask your pre-teen or teen to spend some time formulating his or her own value-based guideline for technology usage. And then let him or her try to live it out. Allow for successes and failures. These are life lessons that are better learned in the safety of home.

 

Similarly, there could be a hand-off of ownership in making decisions about music, movies & TV. Currently, when a song, book, app or movie comes up that I am not familiar with, I research it on a parent preview website. (My favorite is Common Sense media.) However, perhaps it is time to start transitioning our children into going through this process themselves, in order to learn how to make wise choices about what music to download or movies to watch.

 

It seems that all of parenting involves transitions and hand-offs. It takes wisdom from our Heavenly Father to know when and how to implement these important transitions. Every child will be different, even within the same family! However, ultimately, our goal is not to raise children who respect our values and obey our rules only while living in our home, but adults who live according to their own biblically-based values and principles.

Helicopter Parenting?

Posted on by hammfam

how-to-draw-a-helicopter-for-kids_1_000000010237_3I find it interesting that “helicopter parenting” has such a negative connotation in our society. Perhaps it is because the phrase originally referred to parents of college-age students who probably did need to hover back a bit. However, we now hear this term used to shame parents of little ones for being overly protective. Perhaps we have created a straw man in the “helicopter parent,” which in turn has made many good parents second-guess their parenting.

I would argue that wise, biblical parenting involves a little helicoptering – with a few caveats.

The purpose of hovering, in my opinion, is to be in close proximity to our children for the purpose of training in character, not to protect our children from every danger or to micromanage their lives. It is also not to accomplish success in areas such as education, music or sports. As Christian parents, we “hover” to train in godliness – something that cannot be accomplished at a 10,000 foot altitude.

And here is the important caveat… the helicopter needs to hover close to the ground when our children are little, and then gradually rise higher as they grow and mature.

When our kiddos were little, we felt like we practically needed to be within arms reach in order to parent effectively and consistently. If I wanted my 2 year old and 4 year old to play nicely together, I needed to be close by in order to train them in taking turns, using kind words, and showing self control. Left to themselves, things would go downhill quickly to fighting and frustration. I think too much unmonitored playtime is a way we can provoke our children to anger. I wonder if sometimes we speak against helicopter parenting to excuse not engaging with our children? Part of parenting little ones simply involves being present! There are a multitude of little issues that come up daily and are most effectively dealt with in the moment. It is hard for a 3 year old to remember and talk about a bad attitude they had an hour ago.

However, the helicopter should begin to hover higher & higher as our children grow and mature.  I no longer have to sit upstairs or outside with my children to monitor behavior while they are playing together anymore, unless I just want to join the fun. They are able to resolve conflict on their own, and/or come find me and ask for help… at least that is what they are supposed to do!

It seems like one of the big challenges of the “little years” is not growing weary. And I’m finding that a challenge of the “middle years” is not growing lazy.

Because at this age our children don’t demand as much of my physical energy, it can be easy to start checking out – not to engage, not to enter in. I have to fight against laziness and engage in opportunities for interactions and conversations. I have to choose to be selfless with my time. It’s a choice now – when my toddler needed a diaper changed, there wasn’t much of a choice. But when my 10 year old wants to tell me (again) about the Top 10 sports bloopers of the season, I can choose to joyfully enter into the conversation.

Any “helicoptering” at this stage with older children is birthed out of a desire to be in relationship with our children. Their character training now comes in spurts.  It’s not 100 reminders a day to say “yes ma’am” and share your toys.  It’s less frequent but longer conversations about how to think Godward in areas such as friendship, clothes, social media and sports.  Our goal is not to overly control or protect, but instead to cultivate community with our children, which involves closeness.  Relationships can’t be developed from 10,000 feet any better than toddlers can be trained from afar!

Hovering for training in godliness looks different in different life stages, but with the discipleship of our children as the end goal, it will be a God-honoring endeavor.

The Fog

Posted on by hammfam

fogWhen our daughter was 11, I took her on a Passport to Purity weekend. FamilyLife Ministries has created this fabulous resource for parents to use to talk to their pre-teens about sexual purity over the course of a set-aside weekend. They have developed a curiculum for purchase, which includes a set of CDs, a parent guide and a student workbook. My daughter & I spent the weekend at a local hotel, where we listened to the CDs, pausing them often to talk and answer the questions in the workbook. It was a wonderful way to set aside focused time to discuss God’s design for sex and purity – as well as topics such as peer pressure and dating.

One thing we discussed was that the teenage years often feel like a fog has descended upon you. It’s fun and exciting, but at the same time can be confusing and challenging. Things might often feel hazy or unclear; things that seem so clear now. Just like in a fog, it might sometimes be difficult to see behind you, to see down the road, and even to see the next step in front of you.

I shared with her that there would be hormones that would make her feel extremely emotional, confused, frustrated, happy, or sad – and all at once sometimes! 🙂  She might sometimes feel like Mom & Dad were against her instead of for her.

And I counseled her that these next 6 years, while most likely a small percent of her life, would feel sooo long. There are many foolish decisions that teenagers make in these short years that affect the rest of their lives. I urged her to keep the big picture perspective of her life and seek to think outside of her season.

We also talked about how friendships are affected by the fog because all her peers will be in the fog too! Everyone will be feeling insecure and it will come out in different ways – some teens will be mean, some will retreat, and some will seek attention in inappropriate ways. Many will be fickle – loyal one day and unfriendly the next. I urged her to be patient with her friends and give them lots of grace – as she will hope to receive from them as well!

It was a sweet weekend of mother/daughter time – and most of what we talked about then was “theory.”

Now, it’s reality!

We are smack in the middle of the fog! Things are often confusing, unclear and it’s hard to see. We have a good relationship and talk regularly about foggy things. Multiple times I’ve referred back to our conversation at the hotel. I think it was helpful that I warned her in advance that it might be foggy. I can gently encourage her to see beyond the fog by looking behind her and remembering God’s goodness in her life, by looking down the road at her goals and dreams for her life, and then looking at the next step ahead and walking in wisdom.

We don’t want to make the mistake of thinking that our goal is just to “get through” these years – there are many ways we can honor the Lord in our foggy teenage years. There are things to learn, opportunities for growth, passion to be channeled and experiences to be gained.  It has been a fun season for us so far!

However, knowing that you might not be seeing clearly can be very helpful. Knowing the state of your vision leads to asking for help, seeking wisdom from others, and proceeding with a little more caution.

And before we can blink, the fog will lift, and we will have a young adult before us.

Starve the Crush!

Posted on by hammfam

CrushI lead a small group of 8th grade girls at church. We talk a lot about boys. Actually we talk more about men. “We date men, not boys!” is one of our group mantras. I try to encourage the girls to hold off for a few years on “pairing up” or having committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Let’s give it some time for the boys to grow into men.. (while the girls grow into women as well!)

So, the burning question becomes, “What’s a girl to do in the mean time?”

Push Pause:

I’ve tried to tell my girls that it’s not wrong to have a crush. It is very normal. God has made you this way – with an interest in and feelings for the opposite sex. It’s a God-given gift that will one day turn into romantic passion for a spouse, it just needs to be put on “pause” until the right time.

So what do you do with a crush during the “pause” years? You can either “feed” it and it will grow or “starve” it until the right time. Sadly, what I see most pre-teens and teens doing is feeding their crushes… and they grow and grow and grow!

I asked my girls to tell me what feeding a crush might look like. They knew!

  • Flirting
  • Stalking the boys on social media
  • Following the boys around/ intentionally being where they are
  • Talking about the crush with girlfriends who will encourage it
  • Seeking attention

So then we talked about what it would look like to starve a crush.

  • Instead of flirting, acting like friends
  • Being careful on social media
  • Talking about the crush with mom or others who will offer wise counsel
  • Not seeking attention
  • Treating boys like brothers (1 Timothy 5:2)

1 Timothy 5:1-2 pretty well sums it up. “Treat older women as mothers and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”   Young men are to treat all females in their lives as either a mother or a sister.  Young women are to treat all males in their lives as either a father or a brother.  That should help starve the crush!

“With absolute purity!”  This is pretty clear.  Purity in thought, purity in action, purity in words, purity in what we post on social media.

So if this is what not to do during the “pause” years, what am I encouraging the girls to do?

Pursue godly character:

First and foremost, you should be seeking to grow in godly character. Learn what it means to be a godly woman and concern yourself primarily with becoming that. Remember, just as I am telling the girls to wait for the boys to grow up into men, the boys are being taught to wait on you to grow from a girl to a woman. Are you becoming a young adult with the kind of character that the godly young men will be attracted to when the pause is lifted?

Pay attention:

Secondly, start to pay attention to and notice the young men around you. What kind of character do you see that you like and dislike? How does he treat his parents? Does he respect leaders, teachers and coaches? How does he act around his friends? How does he treat the unpopular or awkward kid? Is he serious about the things of the Lord? Is he reverent or silly when it’s time to worship? What kinds of things is he posting on social media? Is he trying to attract attention to himself or point others to God?

Now, turn all those questions around. How would a young man answer those same questions if he were paying attention to you? I think we have our work cut out for us during these pause years.  Plenty to do…  plenty to work on!

In summary, acknowledge the crush as a God-given legitimate feeling, put it on pause for a few years, starve the crush instead of feeding it, pay attention to godly characteristics in the boys around you, and get busy pursuing the kind of character in yourself that will attract the right kind of man (not boy!) at the right time.

Media Smart – Part 2

Posted on by hammfam

In the first part of this series, we looked at how our family chose to segment our children’s technology devices – computers for school work, ipads for play, phones for communication. But what they all have in common is parent-set guidelines and limitations. No one has unlimited or unrestricted access to any technology. We limit where they can be used. We limit when they can be used. We limit how they can be used. That is what we will look at now.

 

Where: All technology is used in common areas in our home. Computers for homework can be used at the kitchen table, school table or upstairs open area. If they want to do homework in a bedroom, it has to be non-computer work. I request all screens to be facing out so that when I walk around the house, it’s easy to peek at what is being viewed. Ipads are checked out for “media time” and have to be used in common areas – usually the Living Room couch. And even (especially) phones stay in common areas. We have a phone charging station in the kitchen and office, and all phones are left there at night. Even ours! No phones in bedrooms or bathrooms or behind closed doors. We even ask our children’s friends to abide by this family policy. Offer a teenager a charging station in the common area and they are happy – their phones usually need to be charged! 🙂 Honestly, this is especially important because many of our children’s friends’ phones are not internet restricted, and therefore even more unwelcome into bedrooms with closed doors.

 

When: All technology is restricted in when it can be used. Even school computers are only used when a parent is at home. There is other homework that can happen when the children are home while I make a quick run to baseball practice. We want to set a pattern for accountability and no private technology usage. Ipads are time restricted because permission has to be granted to use them. We found a timer app on the iPad which allows us to set a designated amount of play time and then shuts the device off when time is up. The phones have a curfew because they sleep in the kitchen. When it’s bedtime, phones are turned off until morning – even Mom & Dad’s phones.

 

How: As parents we are providing the technology for our children and we are responsible to train them in how it is used wisely. We are determining how a computer, ipad and phone are used in our home by determining which devices are used for which purpose. One of the biggest “wins” so far has been the decision not to put social media apps on our daughter’s phone.  She has already made the observation of how much less time she is spending on Instagram because it isn’t on her phone. The boys spend so much less time playing video games because they are not on their phones.

We decided not to give any technology to our kids for birthday or Christmas gifts. Even if a device was a gift, we would still need to exercise our authority as the parents and set restrictions.  However, we felt that by not making these things a gift, it would help to further reinforce that this is a “tool” that we are allowing you to use, and we can take it away at any point. No one is “entitled” to any electronic devices.

 

Why: All these guidelines and restrictions beg the “why” question. Why is this such a big deal? Why so many limitations? There are both short term and long term answers to those questions.  For the short term, by segmenting and limiting technology, we hope to preserve more family time.  Both larger chunks of quality time together, and also moments along the way that aren’t squeezed out because everyone is on a device.  We hope that by restricting the amount of time spent on technology, they will be less likely to adopt addictive habits.  By segmenting their technology, there are limited things they can do on each device and are more likely to turn it off on their own initiative.  For example, because our daughter doesn’t have Safari or Instagram on her phone, she is more likely to put it down and talk to a friend.

Our long term hope is that by using these guidelines and restrictions we are teaching our children wisdom, and as they grown into adulthood, there are principles gained that will help them navigate the technology world on their own.

Things will change… rapidly! I have no doubt that our current devices will be outdated soon, and new things will be introduced that will cause us to change the way we operate in our family. And, regardless, as our children continue to grow older their freedoms will also increase. We won’t send our children to college without access to the App store!  However, our hope is that as things change, and as their freedoms grow, the principles and the goals will stay the same – the goal of raising responsible technology users, who can also rightly distinguish between the time for a toy or a tool.

Media Smart – Part 1

Posted on by hammfam

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One of the conversations I often find myself in centers around technology.  “When did you give your daughter a phone? How do you handle Instagram? What are you family rules for the internet?”

This post was compiled over the course of many conversations with other moms asking how our family has sought to “do technology” intentionally and wisely.  I cannot emphasize enough that every family is different.  There is no way that all the specifics of our “family policy” on technology could possibly work for you. My hope is that there is nugget here that might be helpful to you, or encourage you on your own family journey towards an intentional approach to technology.

 

I remember getting my first iphone and being blown away by how “convenient” it was to have all my technology and communication needs met by this one little device. How great that my phone, computer, address book, calendar, and even social life could all fit in my back pocket! Then came the realization that along with convenience came the temptation to be on my smart phone more often than I would have used the sum total of the other devices.

 

As it became time to introduce our children to the world of technology, we had to ask ourselves the question, “Do we go the route of convenience, which might also prove to be less expensive and less demanding of our time, or do we take the more costly road – both in terms of money and time?” If I, as an adult, can struggle to be disciplined and self-controlled in my technology usage, would it be wise to put such a temptation in the hands of a teenager?

 

So here’s where our family landed. Spend more money and time to segment technology.

 

Each device has a specific purpose:

  • computer for school work
  • ipad for play
  • phone for communication

 

We have 4 children, ages 13, 11, 9, and 7. This isn’t going to be simple or cheap. But it is an investment that feels worth it.

 

Computers. The older children need computers for school. They have to check assignments on the school website, type papers and research on-line. My husband found inexpensive computers for them to use. We have Open DNS on our home network and Covenant Eyes installed on every computer in our home. Each child has a Covenant Eyes account specific to his or her age and needs.  Covenant Eyes operates as both a filter and accountability service. Based on their log-in, they can access certain websites that we have allowed as they were assigned by a teacher, but no one has unlimited internet access. There are no games or social media on the kid’s computers. Computers are for school work only. This is a safe-guard for them to stay focused on homework, and keeps it simple for us to monitor. We get a daily email with a log of all the websites each user accessed that day.

 

Ipads. We invested in iPads for our kid as their “play device.” A wise friend recommended iPads for a play device because it has a larger screen – less privacy, more accountability and less mobility. You don’t stick an iPad in your back pocket or purse. The iPads all live in our home office, where they can be charged. Our children will get a little “media time” if homework and other responsibilities are taken care of and there is a block of free time.   Their media time choices include games on their iPads or the Wii. The kids grab their iPads, we set the timer for the allotted time, and they sit in a common area and enjoy their games. When the timer goes off, the iPads are put back in the office.

 

We have found Apple products to have pretty user-friendly parent controls. However, the main reason we went with Apple is that we are already familiar with the products because that is what we use personally. We have taken the time to set each child’s ipad with appropriate restrictions based on their ages. They each have picked (with our help!) Apps to download on their device. We allowed our daughter to join Instagram when she turned 13, and this is where she accesses it.  We have blocked access to the Internet (Safari is disabled) and the App store. If they want to download a new App, they have to ask us for it, we research the App and then download it for them. This involves entering a parent password, turning off restrictions, downloading the App, and then turning the restrictions back on. Again, it’s not simple, but worth the time investment!

 

Phones. “Tools not toys!” For years we told our kids that phones were “tools not toys” and they were ready for a phone when they needed a “tool” not a “toy.” This also meant not letting them play with our phones when they were little. We did not put any games on our phones to avoid that temptation. When our daughter was in 7th grade she starting playing volleyball for the school team. This required a phone for communicating pick-up time. She had a flip phone for a while but it was very hard to monitor. Jeff bought her a refurbished iPhone 5. Again, because we use iphones, it is familiar to us and easy for us to do a quick parent check of her texts, etc. We can use the same processes for blocking/allowing things on her phone as we do on the ipads. It’s “do-able” and therefore we can keep up with it. We have disabled Safari, (internet browser) all social media, (Instagram, etc.) and the App store on her phone. There are no games on her phone. She can text, call or take pictures. It is a “tool” for communication.

 

Computers for school work, ipads for play, phones for communication. But what they all have in common is parent-set guidelines and limitations. No one has unlimited or unrestricted access to any technology. We limit where they can be used. We limit when they can be used. We limit how they can be used. I’ll discuss that in part 2 of this series.

 

*update 2018 – our kids are now 16, 14, 12 and 10.  The older 3 have school computers. Same guidelines as above. We also have a special computer set aside for YouTube and other websites that are harder to filter, yet they occasionally need access for schoolwork. We enter a password for them to use this less-filtered computer as needed. The older 3 now have phones, but without social media or games on them. Our 16 year old has internet access on her phone through the Covenant Eyes app. Using this app instead of Safari allows us to set up filters, and we get a daily email report of all her internet activity.