I lead a small group of 8th grade girls at church. We talk a lot about boys. Actually we talk more about men. “We date men, not boys!” is one of our group mantras. I try to encourage the girls to hold off for a few years on “pairing up” or having committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Let’s give it some time for the boys to grow into men.. (while the girls grow into women as well!)
So, the burning question becomes, “What’s a girl to do in the mean time?”
Push Pause:
I’ve tried to tell my girls that it’s not wrong to have a crush. It is very normal. God has made you this way – with an interest in and feelings for the opposite sex. It’s a God-given gift that will one day turn into romantic passion for a spouse, it just needs to be put on “pause” until the right time.
So what do you do with a crush during the “pause” years? You can either “feed” it and it will grow or “starve” it until the right time. Sadly, what I see most pre-teens and teens doing is feeding their crushes… and they grow and grow and grow!
I asked my girls to tell me what feeding a crush might look like. They knew!
- Flirting
- Stalking the boys on social media
- Following the boys around/ intentionally being where they are
- Talking about the crush with girlfriends who will encourage it
- Seeking attention
So then we talked about what it would look like to starve a crush.
- Instead of flirting, acting like friends
- Being careful on social media
- Talking about the crush with mom or others who will offer wise counsel
- Not seeking attention
- Treating boys like brothers (1 Timothy 5:2)
1 Timothy 5:1-2 pretty well sums it up. “Treat older women as mothers and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” Young men are to treat all females in their lives as either a mother or a sister. Young women are to treat all males in their lives as either a father or a brother. That should help starve the crush!
“With absolute purity!” This is pretty clear. Purity in thought, purity in action, purity in words, purity in what we post on social media.
So if this is what not to do during the “pause” years, what am I encouraging the girls to do?
Pursue godly character:
First and foremost, you should be seeking to grow in godly character. Learn what it means to be a godly woman and concern yourself primarily with becoming that. Remember, just as I am telling the girls to wait for the boys to grow up into men, the boys are being taught to wait on you to grow from a girl to a woman. Are you becoming a young adult with the kind of character that the godly young men will be attracted to when the pause is lifted?
Pay attention:
Secondly, start to pay attention to and notice the young men around you. What kind of character do you see that you like and dislike? How does he treat his parents? Does he respect leaders, teachers and coaches? How does he act around his friends? How does he treat the unpopular or awkward kid? Is he serious about the things of the Lord? Is he reverent or silly when it’s time to worship? What kinds of things is he posting on social media? Is he trying to attract attention to himself or point others to God?
Now, turn all those questions around. How would a young man answer those same questions if he were paying attention to you? I think we have our work cut out for us during these pause years. Plenty to do… plenty to work on!
In summary, acknowledge the crush as a God-given legitimate feeling, put it on pause for a few years, starve the crush instead of feeding it, pay attention to godly characteristics in the boys around you, and get busy pursuing the kind of character in yourself that will attract the right kind of man (not boy!) at the right time.