Category: Parenting

Advent traditions

Posted on by hammfam

noelThe Christmas season provides many meaningful opportunities to talk to our children about the Lord. It can be overwhelming, though. Which traditions should we participate in?  Which are helpful? Which are distracting?  How do we impress upon our children the significance of Jesus’ birth amidst the glitz and glitter of the season?

Participating in the historic celebration of Advent has been a beautiful way for our family to focus our hearts on the coming of Jesus this time of year.

Here are some traditions and resources that have been helpful to us as we have tried to be intentional in making Christ the focus of our Christmas celebration.

Treasuring God in our Traditions by Noel Piper: This book is full of creative ways to create meaningful traditions in our homes for both holidays and ordinary days. It has shaped many of our Advent traditions.

Decorations: We try to be intentional in decorations that point to Christ.  For example, lights provide an easy way to incorporate biblical truth.  We use John 8:12, John 1:5 and Isaiah 9:2 to talk about Jesus as the Light of the World.

Nativities from different countries that we’ve been to proclaim that Jesus is Lord of the nations.

A special nativity under the Christmas tree reminds us that it’s not presents, but Jesus who is the greatest gift.

We have chosen not to put gifts out in advance under the tree – just to limit the natural tendency to look at the gifts and focus on “Which gifts are for me? “What am I going to get?”  Instead, we wait until Christmas morning to bring gifts out.

Advent calendars:There are many different Advent calendars that you can use to teach the Christmas narrative. We have a Advent calendar that hangs on the wall in the kitchen, with a nightly reading of a the Christmas story that goes along with it. We also have a Jesse Tree on which we place an ornament every day that reminds us of a different aspect of God’s character.

This advent candle wreath on our coffee table gets brighter each day leading up to Christmas.

 

 

Advent wreath: We have a simple Advent wreath on our kitchen table with 5 candles. Every week we light a new candle and review what we learned in church that weekend about the coming of the Savior.

One thing we’ve discovered in parenting is that if we want something to become a part of our family routine, it needs to be visible.  If it’s in the center of the kitchen table, hanging on the wall, or sitting on the coffee table the children will to hold us accountable to making it happen.

 

 

Donation Gift Catalogs: A special gift we give our children every year is a budget to choose items from these donation catalogs for others in need. These are the only magazines we have lying around – not toy or clothes catalogs.  Let’s dream about what we can give, not get! We don’t ask our kids to makephoto “wish lists” for themselves – we know what our kids like and can surprise them with something fun – but rather to make wish lists for what they will give!  I love overhearing their conversations, “I might give 1 goat, 3 chickens and 4 soccer balls this year,” or “Maybe we can pool our money together a buy a fish pond.”

 

Serving others: We’ve tried to build some traditions into our holiday season of serving others. In November we go shopping to pack our Operation Christmas Child Shoe Boxes. (See link below for more information.) We take a special trip to the Dollar Store for each of our children to fill a box for a child his or her age.  We volunteer over Thanksgiving break for a homeless outreach. We do an outreach with our Chin Refugee family we mentor.  I have to plan these service opportunities before our calendar fills up with parties and activities, otherwise they probably won’t happen.

Santa: One tradition we have chosen not to participate in is Santa Claus.  We feel that it’s too much of a distraction for little ones in keeping their hearts focused on Jesus, and want to always be forthright with our children. When we tell them God is real, we want them to have full confidence that He isn’t a myth or a story.  However, our children know that Santa is a game that some families like to play, and we aren’t going to spoil the game for others. We also have taught our children the beautiful story about the historical man, Saint Nicholas.

Our pastor reminds us at the beginning of each Advent season that the traditions of the holidays are shadows that point to something deeper and more real.  The shadows aren’t bad or wrong – they can be a lot of fun!  But we want to keep our hearts focused on the real thing, which is the coming of Immanuel, God with us.  I pray these can be helpful tools for you in shepherding your family towards that end.

Here are links to some Advent books, websites and other resources.

Tell the Next Generation

Posted on by hammfam

family pic“And there arose another generation who did not know the Lord or the work that He had done for Israel.” –Judges 2:10

I spent the fall studying the book of Joshua with a group of ladies. We marveled at the Lord’s faithfulness seen as promise after promise was fulfilled, and God worked on behalf of His people. We are preparing to study Judges this spring, and will be greeted right away with this tragic verse. There are two things seen here that the next generation did not know – the Lord, and the work that He had done.

One of the greatest fears of Christian parents is that their children would not know the Lord; that despite all our efforts of teaching and modeling the Gospel to our children, it would fall on deaf ears. However, ultimately, we know that we cannot guarantee that our children, the next generation, will know the Lord – it is God’s work to change hearts and bring about a saving knowing of Him. We trust and cling to the sovereign goodness of God to save our children.

But the great tragedy in these verses is that the generation following Joshua did not know the work that God had done.

This next generation somehow did not know about God parting the River Jordan or the miracle of the sun standing still. They did not know about God fighting for His people and giving them victory over the Canaanites – city after city after city. God displayed His might time after time for the people in Joshua’s day. Yet they did not tell their children? The next generation did not know the Lord or the work that He had done? It seems incredulous! How can that be?

But could we not be guilty of the same thing? Are we faithful to tell our children the great and mighty works that the Lord has done in our lives? Have they heard our “sun stands still” and “battle of Jericho” stories? Do they know our testimonies of how God gave us new life? Do they know of God’s faithfulness in the grand occasions and in the day-to-day “the Lord will fight for you” moments?

Psalm 78 similarly exhorts parents, to “tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done… so that they should set their hope in God.”

We are to continually tell our children who God is (His might) and what He has done (His deeds and wonders).

What are some ways we can tell of His works?

  • We can tell by speaking about God in the day to day of life rather than segmenting our “religious talk” to certain conversations. 
  • We can tell by testifying to God’s faithfulness towards our family – in keeping His promises to us, providing for our family, and His presence with us in both our joys and trials.
  • We can tell with stories of God’s work historically by reading of great men & women of faith before us. 
  • We can tell with stories of God’s work globally by learning about other cultures and how He is God of all the nations.
  • We can tell by supporting and praying for missionaries; by having them over for a meal when they are in town, and inviting our children to linger at the table and hear their stories.
  • We can tell by taking our children on mission trips with us, allowing them to see first hand the wonders God is doing worldwide.
  • We can tell by bringing our children to the worship service with us so that we can worship and learn about God together.
  • We can tell by talking as a family about what we are learning in church, bible study, and Sunday school.
  • We can tell by finding ways to serve as a family, allowing our children to experience the joy in serving and giving to others.
  • We can tell by seeking opportunities for our children to witness baptisms and to hear testimonies of God’s saving work.

Ultimately, the goal of all this telling is that our children, the next generation, would “set their hope in God.”  We tell, we proclaim, we testify as a means of grace that the Lord might use in saving our children.

Oh, that it would never be said that our children do not know the works of the Lord because we have not told them.  May we trust Him to save as He pleases among the next generation, but never tire to faithfully make known the works that He has done – His deeds, His might and His wonders.

Starve the Crush!

Posted on by hammfam

CrushI lead a small group of 8th grade girls at church. We talk a lot about boys. Actually we talk more about men. “We date men, not boys!” is one of our group mantras. I try to encourage the girls to hold off for a few years on “pairing up” or having committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Let’s give it some time for the boys to grow into men.. (while the girls grow into women as well!)

So, the burning question becomes, “What’s a girl to do in the mean time?”

Push Pause:

I’ve tried to tell my girls that it’s not wrong to have a crush. It is very normal. God has made you this way – with an interest in and feelings for the opposite sex. It’s a God-given gift that will one day turn into romantic passion for a spouse, it just needs to be put on “pause” until the right time.

So what do you do with a crush during the “pause” years? You can either “feed” it and it will grow or “starve” it until the right time. Sadly, what I see most pre-teens and teens doing is feeding their crushes… and they grow and grow and grow!

I asked my girls to tell me what feeding a crush might look like. They knew!

  • Flirting
  • Stalking the boys on social media
  • Following the boys around/ intentionally being where they are
  • Talking about the crush with girlfriends who will encourage it
  • Seeking attention

So then we talked about what it would look like to starve a crush.

  • Instead of flirting, acting like friends
  • Being careful on social media
  • Talking about the crush with mom or others who will offer wise counsel
  • Not seeking attention
  • Treating boys like brothers (1 Timothy 5:2)

1 Timothy 5:1-2 pretty well sums it up. “Treat older women as mothers and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”   Young men are to treat all females in their lives as either a mother or a sister.  Young women are to treat all males in their lives as either a father or a brother.  That should help starve the crush!

“With absolute purity!”  This is pretty clear.  Purity in thought, purity in action, purity in words, purity in what we post on social media.

So if this is what not to do during the “pause” years, what am I encouraging the girls to do?

Pursue godly character:

First and foremost, you should be seeking to grow in godly character. Learn what it means to be a godly woman and concern yourself primarily with becoming that. Remember, just as I am telling the girls to wait for the boys to grow up into men, the boys are being taught to wait on you to grow from a girl to a woman. Are you becoming a young adult with the kind of character that the godly young men will be attracted to when the pause is lifted?

Pay attention:

Secondly, start to pay attention to and notice the young men around you. What kind of character do you see that you like and dislike? How does he treat his parents? Does he respect leaders, teachers and coaches? How does he act around his friends? How does he treat the unpopular or awkward kid? Is he serious about the things of the Lord? Is he reverent or silly when it’s time to worship? What kinds of things is he posting on social media? Is he trying to attract attention to himself or point others to God?

Now, turn all those questions around. How would a young man answer those same questions if he were paying attention to you? I think we have our work cut out for us during these pause years.  Plenty to do…  plenty to work on!

In summary, acknowledge the crush as a God-given legitimate feeling, put it on pause for a few years, starve the crush instead of feeding it, pay attention to godly characteristics in the boys around you, and get busy pursuing the kind of character in yourself that will attract the right kind of man (not boy!) at the right time.

Media Smart – Part 2

Posted on by hammfam

In the first part of this series, we looked at how our family chose to segment our children’s technology devices – computers for school work, ipads for play, phones for communication. But what they all have in common is parent-set guidelines and limitations. No one has unlimited or unrestricted access to any technology. We limit where they can be used. We limit when they can be used. We limit how they can be used. That is what we will look at now.

 

Where: All technology is used in common areas in our home. Computers for homework can be used at the kitchen table, school table or upstairs open area. If they want to do homework in a bedroom, it has to be non-computer work. I request all screens to be facing out so that when I walk around the house, it’s easy to peek at what is being viewed. Ipads are checked out for “media time” and have to be used in common areas – usually the Living Room couch. And even (especially) phones stay in common areas. We have a phone charging station in the kitchen and office, and all phones are left there at night. Even ours! No phones in bedrooms or bathrooms or behind closed doors. We even ask our children’s friends to abide by this family policy. Offer a teenager a charging station in the common area and they are happy – their phones usually need to be charged! 🙂 Honestly, this is especially important because many of our children’s friends’ phones are not internet restricted, and therefore even more unwelcome into bedrooms with closed doors.

 

When: All technology is restricted in when it can be used. Even school computers are only used when a parent is at home. There is other homework that can happen when the children are home while I make a quick run to baseball practice. We want to set a pattern for accountability and no private technology usage. Ipads are time restricted because permission has to be granted to use them. We found a timer app on the iPad which allows us to set a designated amount of play time and then shuts the device off when time is up. The phones have a curfew because they sleep in the kitchen. When it’s bedtime, phones are turned off until morning – even Mom & Dad’s phones.

 

How: As parents we are providing the technology for our children and we are responsible to train them in how it is used wisely. We are determining how a computer, ipad and phone are used in our home by determining which devices are used for which purpose. One of the biggest “wins” so far has been the decision not to put social media apps on our daughter’s phone.  She has already made the observation of how much less time she is spending on Instagram because it isn’t on her phone. The boys spend so much less time playing video games because they are not on their phones.

We decided not to give any technology to our kids for birthday or Christmas gifts. Even if a device was a gift, we would still need to exercise our authority as the parents and set restrictions.  However, we felt that by not making these things a gift, it would help to further reinforce that this is a “tool” that we are allowing you to use, and we can take it away at any point. No one is “entitled” to any electronic devices.

 

Why: All these guidelines and restrictions beg the “why” question. Why is this such a big deal? Why so many limitations? There are both short term and long term answers to those questions.  For the short term, by segmenting and limiting technology, we hope to preserve more family time.  Both larger chunks of quality time together, and also moments along the way that aren’t squeezed out because everyone is on a device.  We hope that by restricting the amount of time spent on technology, they will be less likely to adopt addictive habits.  By segmenting their technology, there are limited things they can do on each device and are more likely to turn it off on their own initiative.  For example, because our daughter doesn’t have Safari or Instagram on her phone, she is more likely to put it down and talk to a friend.

Our long term hope is that by using these guidelines and restrictions we are teaching our children wisdom, and as they grown into adulthood, there are principles gained that will help them navigate the technology world on their own.

Things will change… rapidly! I have no doubt that our current devices will be outdated soon, and new things will be introduced that will cause us to change the way we operate in our family. And, regardless, as our children continue to grow older their freedoms will also increase. We won’t send our children to college without access to the App store!  However, our hope is that as things change, and as their freedoms grow, the principles and the goals will stay the same – the goal of raising responsible technology users, who can also rightly distinguish between the time for a toy or a tool.

Media Smart – Part 1

Posted on by hammfam

old_devices20110809 copy

One of the conversations I often find myself in centers around technology.  “When did you give your daughter a phone? How do you handle Instagram? What are you family rules for the internet?”

This post was compiled over the course of many conversations with other moms asking how our family has sought to “do technology” intentionally and wisely.  I cannot emphasize enough that every family is different.  There is no way that all the specifics of our “family policy” on technology could possibly work for you. My hope is that there is nugget here that might be helpful to you, or encourage you on your own family journey towards an intentional approach to technology.

 

I remember getting my first iphone and being blown away by how “convenient” it was to have all my technology and communication needs met by this one little device. How great that my phone, computer, address book, calendar, and even social life could all fit in my back pocket! Then came the realization that along with convenience came the temptation to be on my smart phone more often than I would have used the sum total of the other devices.

 

As it became time to introduce our children to the world of technology, we had to ask ourselves the question, “Do we go the route of convenience, which might also prove to be less expensive and less demanding of our time, or do we take the more costly road – both in terms of money and time?” If I, as an adult, can struggle to be disciplined and self-controlled in my technology usage, would it be wise to put such a temptation in the hands of a teenager?

 

So here’s where our family landed. Spend more money and time to segment technology.

 

Each device has a specific purpose:

  • computer for school work
  • ipad for play
  • phone for communication

 

We have 4 children, ages 13, 11, 9, and 7. This isn’t going to be simple or cheap. But it is an investment that feels worth it.

 

Computers. The older children need computers for school. They have to check assignments on the school website, type papers and research on-line. My husband found inexpensive computers for them to use. We have Open DNS on our home network and Covenant Eyes installed on every computer in our home. Each child has a Covenant Eyes account specific to his or her age and needs.  Covenant Eyes operates as both a filter and accountability service. Based on their log-in, they can access certain websites that we have allowed as they were assigned by a teacher, but no one has unlimited internet access. There are no games or social media on the kid’s computers. Computers are for school work only. This is a safe-guard for them to stay focused on homework, and keeps it simple for us to monitor. We get a daily email with a log of all the websites each user accessed that day.

 

Ipads. We invested in iPads for our kid as their “play device.” A wise friend recommended iPads for a play device because it has a larger screen – less privacy, more accountability and less mobility. You don’t stick an iPad in your back pocket or purse. The iPads all live in our home office, where they can be charged. Our children will get a little “media time” if homework and other responsibilities are taken care of and there is a block of free time.   Their media time choices include games on their iPads or the Wii. The kids grab their iPads, we set the timer for the allotted time, and they sit in a common area and enjoy their games. When the timer goes off, the iPads are put back in the office.

 

We have found Apple products to have pretty user-friendly parent controls. However, the main reason we went with Apple is that we are already familiar with the products because that is what we use personally. We have taken the time to set each child’s ipad with appropriate restrictions based on their ages. They each have picked (with our help!) Apps to download on their device. We allowed our daughter to join Instagram when she turned 13, and this is where she accesses it.  We have blocked access to the Internet (Safari is disabled) and the App store. If they want to download a new App, they have to ask us for it, we research the App and then download it for them. This involves entering a parent password, turning off restrictions, downloading the App, and then turning the restrictions back on. Again, it’s not simple, but worth the time investment!

 

Phones. “Tools not toys!” For years we told our kids that phones were “tools not toys” and they were ready for a phone when they needed a “tool” not a “toy.” This also meant not letting them play with our phones when they were little. We did not put any games on our phones to avoid that temptation. When our daughter was in 7th grade she starting playing volleyball for the school team. This required a phone for communicating pick-up time. She had a flip phone for a while but it was very hard to monitor. Jeff bought her a refurbished iPhone 5. Again, because we use iphones, it is familiar to us and easy for us to do a quick parent check of her texts, etc. We can use the same processes for blocking/allowing things on her phone as we do on the ipads. It’s “do-able” and therefore we can keep up with it. We have disabled Safari, (internet browser) all social media, (Instagram, etc.) and the App store on her phone. There are no games on her phone. She can text, call or take pictures. It is a “tool” for communication.

 

Computers for school work, ipads for play, phones for communication. But what they all have in common is parent-set guidelines and limitations. No one has unlimited or unrestricted access to any technology. We limit where they can be used. We limit when they can be used. We limit how they can be used. I’ll discuss that in part 2 of this series.

 

*update 2018 – our kids are now 16, 14, 12 and 10.  The older 3 have school computers. Same guidelines as above. We also have a special computer set aside for YouTube and other websites that are harder to filter, yet they occasionally need access for schoolwork. We enter a password for them to use this less-filtered computer as needed. The older 3 now have phones, but without social media or games on them. Our 16 year old has internet access on her phone through the Covenant Eyes app. Using this app instead of Safari allows us to set up filters, and we get a daily email report of all her internet activity.