I find it interesting that “helicopter parenting” has such a negative connotation in our society. Perhaps it is because the phrase originally referred to parents of college-age students who probably did need to hover back a bit. However, we now hear this term used to shame parents of little ones for being overly protective. Perhaps we have created a straw man in the “helicopter parent,” which in turn has made many good parents second-guess their parenting.
I would argue that wise, biblical parenting involves a little helicoptering – with a few caveats.
The purpose of hovering, in my opinion, is to be in close proximity to our children for the purpose of training in character, not to protect our children from every danger or to micromanage their lives. It is also not to accomplish success in areas such as education, music or sports. As Christian parents, we “hover” to train in godliness – something that cannot be accomplished at a 10,000 foot altitude.
And here is the important caveat… the helicopter needs to hover close to the ground when our children are little, and then gradually rise higher as they grow and mature.
When our kiddos were little, we felt like we practically needed to be within arms reach in order to parent effectively and consistently. If I wanted my 2 year old and 4 year old to play nicely together, I needed to be close by in order to train them in taking turns, using kind words, and showing self control. Left to themselves, things would go downhill quickly to fighting and frustration. I think too much unmonitored playtime is a way we can provoke our children to anger. I wonder if sometimes we speak against helicopter parenting to excuse not engaging with our children? Part of parenting little ones simply involves being present! There are a multitude of little issues that come up daily and are most effectively dealt with in the moment. It is hard for a 3 year old to remember and talk about a bad attitude they had an hour ago.
However, the helicopter should begin to hover higher & higher as our children grow and mature. I no longer have to sit upstairs or outside with my children to monitor behavior while they are playing together anymore, unless I just want to join the fun. They are able to resolve conflict on their own, and/or come find me and ask for help… at least that is what they are supposed to do!
It seems like one of the big challenges of the “little years” is not growing weary. And I’m finding that a challenge of the “middle years” is not growing lazy.
Because at this age our children don’t demand as much of my physical energy, it can be easy to start checking out – not to engage, not to enter in. I have to fight against laziness and engage in opportunities for interactions and conversations. I have to choose to be selfless with my time. It’s a choice now – when my toddler needed a diaper changed, there wasn’t much of a choice. But when my 10 year old wants to tell me (again) about the Top 10 sports bloopers of the season, I can choose to joyfully enter into the conversation.
Any “helicoptering” at this stage with older children is birthed out of a desire to be in relationship with our children. Their character training now comes in spurts. It’s not 100 reminders a day to say “yes ma’am” and share your toys. It’s less frequent but longer conversations about how to think Godward in areas such as friendship, clothes, social media and sports. Our goal is not to overly control or protect, but instead to cultivate community with our children, which involves closeness. Relationships can’t be developed from 10,000 feet any better than toddlers can be trained from afar!
Hovering for training in godliness looks different in different life stages, but with the discipleship of our children as the end goal, it will be a God-honoring endeavor.
