Helicopter Parenting?

Posted on by hammfam

how-to-draw-a-helicopter-for-kids_1_000000010237_3I find it interesting that “helicopter parenting” has such a negative connotation in our society. Perhaps it is because the phrase originally referred to parents of college-age students who probably did need to hover back a bit. However, we now hear this term used to shame parents of little ones for being overly protective. Perhaps we have created a straw man in the “helicopter parent,” which in turn has made many good parents second-guess their parenting.

I would argue that wise, biblical parenting involves a little helicoptering – with a few caveats.

The purpose of hovering, in my opinion, is to be in close proximity to our children for the purpose of training in character, not to protect our children from every danger or to micromanage their lives. It is also not to accomplish success in areas such as education, music or sports. As Christian parents, we “hover” to train in godliness – something that cannot be accomplished at a 10,000 foot altitude.

And here is the important caveat… the helicopter needs to hover close to the ground when our children are little, and then gradually rise higher as they grow and mature.

When our kiddos were little, we felt like we practically needed to be within arms reach in order to parent effectively and consistently. If I wanted my 2 year old and 4 year old to play nicely together, I needed to be close by in order to train them in taking turns, using kind words, and showing self control. Left to themselves, things would go downhill quickly to fighting and frustration. I think too much unmonitored playtime is a way we can provoke our children to anger. I wonder if sometimes we speak against helicopter parenting to excuse not engaging with our children? Part of parenting little ones simply involves being present! There are a multitude of little issues that come up daily and are most effectively dealt with in the moment. It is hard for a 3 year old to remember and talk about a bad attitude they had an hour ago.

However, the helicopter should begin to hover higher & higher as our children grow and mature.  I no longer have to sit upstairs or outside with my children to monitor behavior while they are playing together anymore, unless I just want to join the fun. They are able to resolve conflict on their own, and/or come find me and ask for help… at least that is what they are supposed to do!

It seems like one of the big challenges of the “little years” is not growing weary. And I’m finding that a challenge of the “middle years” is not growing lazy.

Because at this age our children don’t demand as much of my physical energy, it can be easy to start checking out – not to engage, not to enter in. I have to fight against laziness and engage in opportunities for interactions and conversations. I have to choose to be selfless with my time. It’s a choice now – when my toddler needed a diaper changed, there wasn’t much of a choice. But when my 10 year old wants to tell me (again) about the Top 10 sports bloopers of the season, I can choose to joyfully enter into the conversation.

Any “helicoptering” at this stage with older children is birthed out of a desire to be in relationship with our children. Their character training now comes in spurts.  It’s not 100 reminders a day to say “yes ma’am” and share your toys.  It’s less frequent but longer conversations about how to think Godward in areas such as friendship, clothes, social media and sports.  Our goal is not to overly control or protect, but instead to cultivate community with our children, which involves closeness.  Relationships can’t be developed from 10,000 feet any better than toddlers can be trained from afar!

Hovering for training in godliness looks different in different life stages, but with the discipleship of our children as the end goal, it will be a God-honoring endeavor.

how to study your bible… even without a bible study

Posted on by hammfam

Bible and coffeeI’m increasingly aware of what seems to be a dependence upon formal Bible Studies in order for many Christians to be faithful to study the Bible regularly.

I’m involved in a fabulous women’s Bible Study, which is not only teaching women a book of the Bible each semester, but also giving them the tools to study the Bible on their own. But sometimes I wonder if we don’t know that we have these tools for self study. Repeatedly, I will hear women say, “I’m so glad we are starting Bible study again. I haven’t been consistent in reading my Bible since the last study.”

My two older children were involved in a Middle School Bible study last semester, which had them faithfully studying daily. Now that the study is over, they are struggling to be in the Word daily on their own.

Are we doing a disservice to the church if Christians are only studying the Bible when there is a formal Bible study to be a part of? Perhaps the real test should be, “What do participants of our Bible Study do the morning after the study ends?”

We are blessed to have the opportunity to participate in so many excellent Bible studies, but do these leave many Christians intimidated to study God’s Word on their own?  Why is this? Is it the lack of structure and accountability when there is not a group to study with?  Is a lack of discipline? Or perhaps do we not know how to study on our own?  I would argue that often we have the tools to do so, but maybe don’t realize how simple it can be.

Here is what I have found helpful.  Many Bible study teachers have broken up the study of God’s Word into 3 parts – observation, interpretation and application.

Yes, we often need help with the interpretation piece. There are scholars and commentaries to help us understand background and context in order to interpret passages accurately. That is why the gift of teaching is so important to the church. God’s people need to be taught things they wouldn’t be able to understand on their own. This is clearly a benefit of being in a formal Bible study, and we will learn things there that we would never pick up on our own.

However, we do not necessarily need a teacher to observe the text. I am convinced there is so much to be learned from the simple practice of observation. Using the grammar tools we learned in school, there are many gems to be discovered in God’s Word that do not require a teacher or commentary to unearth.

Here are some observation tools:

  • Look for adjectives that are associated with God – what is He like? What are His attributes seen in the text? What names are given to God?
  • Look for verbs associated with God. What is God doing in the text? Make a list of God’s actions. God is active!
  • Are the verbs in the past, present or future tense? This is usually significant.
  • Look for verbs associated with man. What are we being called to do? Make a list of responses/actions.
  • Make a list of contrasts you see in the text.
  • Note repeated words or ideas.
  • Look up the definition of important words in the English dictionary.  Look for synonyms and antonyms.
  • What is the context of the passage? What comes before it? After it? Who is speaking? To whom?
  • Copy a verse that seems significant to you.

Application will flow from both observation and interpretation. There will be some applications that can only come after the text has been interpreted by a teacher or scholar. However, many applications can be applied after making observations. For example, when we read that God is holy, we can apply the text by responding to God’s holiness in worship, even if we don’t understand all the implications of God’s holiness that might come with the help of scholarly interpretation.

Here is a very simple Bible Reading plan I put together for my children, which could easily be adapted for any use. This could be taped in the front of a journal and be a guide to you in studying God’s Word on your own.  Maybe it can be a tool to use between participation in formal Bible studies.

My guess is that there are more tools in our tool-boxes for studying God’s Word on our own than we realize.  Let’s take out the simple tool of observation and put it to work towards the regular and faithful study of the Bible… even without a Bible study.

The Fog

Posted on by hammfam

fogWhen our daughter was 11, I took her on a Passport to Purity weekend. FamilyLife Ministries has created this fabulous resource for parents to use to talk to their pre-teens about sexual purity over the course of a set-aside weekend. They have developed a curiculum for purchase, which includes a set of CDs, a parent guide and a student workbook. My daughter & I spent the weekend at a local hotel, where we listened to the CDs, pausing them often to talk and answer the questions in the workbook. It was a wonderful way to set aside focused time to discuss God’s design for sex and purity – as well as topics such as peer pressure and dating.

One thing we discussed was that the teenage years often feel like a fog has descended upon you. It’s fun and exciting, but at the same time can be confusing and challenging. Things might often feel hazy or unclear; things that seem so clear now. Just like in a fog, it might sometimes be difficult to see behind you, to see down the road, and even to see the next step in front of you.

I shared with her that there would be hormones that would make her feel extremely emotional, confused, frustrated, happy, or sad – and all at once sometimes! 🙂  She might sometimes feel like Mom & Dad were against her instead of for her.

And I counseled her that these next 6 years, while most likely a small percent of her life, would feel sooo long. There are many foolish decisions that teenagers make in these short years that affect the rest of their lives. I urged her to keep the big picture perspective of her life and seek to think outside of her season.

We also talked about how friendships are affected by the fog because all her peers will be in the fog too! Everyone will be feeling insecure and it will come out in different ways – some teens will be mean, some will retreat, and some will seek attention in inappropriate ways. Many will be fickle – loyal one day and unfriendly the next. I urged her to be patient with her friends and give them lots of grace – as she will hope to receive from them as well!

It was a sweet weekend of mother/daughter time – and most of what we talked about then was “theory.”

Now, it’s reality!

We are smack in the middle of the fog! Things are often confusing, unclear and it’s hard to see. We have a good relationship and talk regularly about foggy things. Multiple times I’ve referred back to our conversation at the hotel. I think it was helpful that I warned her in advance that it might be foggy. I can gently encourage her to see beyond the fog by looking behind her and remembering God’s goodness in her life, by looking down the road at her goals and dreams for her life, and then looking at the next step ahead and walking in wisdom.

We don’t want to make the mistake of thinking that our goal is just to “get through” these years – there are many ways we can honor the Lord in our foggy teenage years. There are things to learn, opportunities for growth, passion to be channeled and experiences to be gained.  It has been a fun season for us so far!

However, knowing that you might not be seeing clearly can be very helpful. Knowing the state of your vision leads to asking for help, seeking wisdom from others, and proceeding with a little more caution.

And before we can blink, the fog will lift, and we will have a young adult before us.

10 reasons to cultivate a love of board games in your family…

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boardpieces-200x133

Christmas is over and there remains a week of vacation before school starts.  And the weather forecast is cold and wet!  How to meaningfully use this precious time?  Play board games (and card games) as a family!

Here are 10 reasons to cultivate a love of board games in your family:

  1. Board games can be educational. Many great board games have an educational component: geography, history, strategy, logic, math skills, and language arts.
  2. Board games require taking turns, and therefore are a great way to teach our children patience.
  3. There are winners and losers in board games, which translates to opportunities to teach “life isn’t fair!”  We get to practice winning well and losing well. (We require our kids to say “congratulations” to the winner – and the winner has to say “thanks for playing” to the others! 🙂 )
  4. Board games often bring out “character training” opportunities. Many heart-issues (selfishness, meanness, rude words, cheating, etc.) can be revealed during a game that can be seen as training opportunities. (It requires me as a parent not to be lazy but to engage when these “opportunities” arise.)
  5. Board games often require a long attention span. Our children have grown into loving 2+ hour games. Often they will keep a game out for days and come back to it.
  6. Board games force you to create your own entertainment versus being entertained. You have to participate! Also, games usually require set up and clean up, which are good “working together” opportunities.
  7. Board games provide opportunities for conversation/interaction – everyone is sitting around a table together in close proximity instead of spread out around the house.
  8. Many games can span age differences – our 7 year old and 13 year old can play most of the same games. (When you grow up in a “game” family, you learn young how to play older games. Our oldest was playing Candy Land at 7 years old, and our youngest just learned Settlers of Catan at 7 years old. 🙂 )  Board games can also span the generations and provide a fabulous way to enjoy time with grandparents.
  9. Board games are transportable.  We can bring a board game or a deck of cards with us wherever we go – camping, hotels, grandparents’ house, or dinner at a friend’s house.
  10. Board games promote quality family time… most of the time! 🙂 Mom & Dad get to sit down and play with the children – and laugh and talk and make memories together. When kids out-grow playing with toys or reading books aloud, board games provide a way for parents and older children to “play” together.

So put some music on, make a fire, pull the chairs up around the coffee table, and make some family memories playing games!

Some of our favorites:

  • Ticket to Ride
  • Risk
  • Settlers of Catan
  • Chess
  • Apples to Apples
  • Scotland Yard
  • Mexican Train
  • Triopoley
  • Cards – Texas Hold’em
  • Cards – Hearts/ Spades
  • Monopoly
  • Clue

Do you have other favorite family games?

Advent traditions

Posted on by hammfam

noelThe Christmas season provides many meaningful opportunities to talk to our children about the Lord. It can be overwhelming, though. Which traditions should we participate in?  Which are helpful? Which are distracting?  How do we impress upon our children the significance of Jesus’ birth amidst the glitz and glitter of the season?

Participating in the historic celebration of Advent has been a beautiful way for our family to focus our hearts on the coming of Jesus this time of year.

Here are some traditions and resources that have been helpful to us as we have tried to be intentional in making Christ the focus of our Christmas celebration.

Treasuring God in our Traditions by Noel Piper: This book is full of creative ways to create meaningful traditions in our homes for both holidays and ordinary days. It has shaped many of our Advent traditions.

Decorations: We try to be intentional in decorations that point to Christ.  For example, lights provide an easy way to incorporate biblical truth.  We use John 8:12, John 1:5 and Isaiah 9:2 to talk about Jesus as the Light of the World.

Nativities from different countries that we’ve been to proclaim that Jesus is Lord of the nations.

A special nativity under the Christmas tree reminds us that it’s not presents, but Jesus who is the greatest gift.

We have chosen not to put gifts out in advance under the tree – just to limit the natural tendency to look at the gifts and focus on “Which gifts are for me? “What am I going to get?”  Instead, we wait until Christmas morning to bring gifts out.

Advent calendars:There are many different Advent calendars that you can use to teach the Christmas narrative. We have a Advent calendar that hangs on the wall in the kitchen, with a nightly reading of a the Christmas story that goes along with it. We also have a Jesse Tree on which we place an ornament every day that reminds us of a different aspect of God’s character.

This advent candle wreath on our coffee table gets brighter each day leading up to Christmas.

 

 

Advent wreath: We have a simple Advent wreath on our kitchen table with 5 candles. Every week we light a new candle and review what we learned in church that weekend about the coming of the Savior.

One thing we’ve discovered in parenting is that if we want something to become a part of our family routine, it needs to be visible.  If it’s in the center of the kitchen table, hanging on the wall, or sitting on the coffee table the children will to hold us accountable to making it happen.

 

 

Donation Gift Catalogs: A special gift we give our children every year is a budget to choose items from these donation catalogs for others in need. These are the only magazines we have lying around – not toy or clothes catalogs.  Let’s dream about what we can give, not get! We don’t ask our kids to makephoto “wish lists” for themselves – we know what our kids like and can surprise them with something fun – but rather to make wish lists for what they will give!  I love overhearing their conversations, “I might give 1 goat, 3 chickens and 4 soccer balls this year,” or “Maybe we can pool our money together a buy a fish pond.”

 

Serving others: We’ve tried to build some traditions into our holiday season of serving others. In November we go shopping to pack our Operation Christmas Child Shoe Boxes. (See link below for more information.) We take a special trip to the Dollar Store for each of our children to fill a box for a child his or her age.  We volunteer over Thanksgiving break for a homeless outreach. We do an outreach with our Chin Refugee family we mentor.  I have to plan these service opportunities before our calendar fills up with parties and activities, otherwise they probably won’t happen.

Santa: One tradition we have chosen not to participate in is Santa Claus.  We feel that it’s too much of a distraction for little ones in keeping their hearts focused on Jesus, and want to always be forthright with our children. When we tell them God is real, we want them to have full confidence that He isn’t a myth or a story.  However, our children know that Santa is a game that some families like to play, and we aren’t going to spoil the game for others. We also have taught our children the beautiful story about the historical man, Saint Nicholas.

Our pastor reminds us at the beginning of each Advent season that the traditions of the holidays are shadows that point to something deeper and more real.  The shadows aren’t bad or wrong – they can be a lot of fun!  But we want to keep our hearts focused on the real thing, which is the coming of Immanuel, God with us.  I pray these can be helpful tools for you in shepherding your family towards that end.

Here are links to some Advent books, websites and other resources.

Tell the Next Generation

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family pic“And there arose another generation who did not know the Lord or the work that He had done for Israel.” –Judges 2:10

I spent the fall studying the book of Joshua with a group of ladies. We marveled at the Lord’s faithfulness seen as promise after promise was fulfilled, and God worked on behalf of His people. We are preparing to study Judges this spring, and will be greeted right away with this tragic verse. There are two things seen here that the next generation did not know – the Lord, and the work that He had done.

One of the greatest fears of Christian parents is that their children would not know the Lord; that despite all our efforts of teaching and modeling the Gospel to our children, it would fall on deaf ears. However, ultimately, we know that we cannot guarantee that our children, the next generation, will know the Lord – it is God’s work to change hearts and bring about a saving knowing of Him. We trust and cling to the sovereign goodness of God to save our children.

But the great tragedy in these verses is that the generation following Joshua did not know the work that God had done.

This next generation somehow did not know about God parting the River Jordan or the miracle of the sun standing still. They did not know about God fighting for His people and giving them victory over the Canaanites – city after city after city. God displayed His might time after time for the people in Joshua’s day. Yet they did not tell their children? The next generation did not know the Lord or the work that He had done? It seems incredulous! How can that be?

But could we not be guilty of the same thing? Are we faithful to tell our children the great and mighty works that the Lord has done in our lives? Have they heard our “sun stands still” and “battle of Jericho” stories? Do they know our testimonies of how God gave us new life? Do they know of God’s faithfulness in the grand occasions and in the day-to-day “the Lord will fight for you” moments?

Psalm 78 similarly exhorts parents, to “tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done… so that they should set their hope in God.”

We are to continually tell our children who God is (His might) and what He has done (His deeds and wonders).

What are some ways we can tell of His works?

  • We can tell by speaking about God in the day to day of life rather than segmenting our “religious talk” to certain conversations. 
  • We can tell by testifying to God’s faithfulness towards our family – in keeping His promises to us, providing for our family, and His presence with us in both our joys and trials.
  • We can tell with stories of God’s work historically by reading of great men & women of faith before us. 
  • We can tell with stories of God’s work globally by learning about other cultures and how He is God of all the nations.
  • We can tell by supporting and praying for missionaries; by having them over for a meal when they are in town, and inviting our children to linger at the table and hear their stories.
  • We can tell by taking our children on mission trips with us, allowing them to see first hand the wonders God is doing worldwide.
  • We can tell by bringing our children to the worship service with us so that we can worship and learn about God together.
  • We can tell by talking as a family about what we are learning in church, bible study, and Sunday school.
  • We can tell by finding ways to serve as a family, allowing our children to experience the joy in serving and giving to others.
  • We can tell by seeking opportunities for our children to witness baptisms and to hear testimonies of God’s saving work.

Ultimately, the goal of all this telling is that our children, the next generation, would “set their hope in God.”  We tell, we proclaim, we testify as a means of grace that the Lord might use in saving our children.

Oh, that it would never be said that our children do not know the works of the Lord because we have not told them.  May we trust Him to save as He pleases among the next generation, but never tire to faithfully make known the works that He has done – His deeds, His might and His wonders.

Starve the Crush!

Posted on by hammfam

CrushI lead a small group of 8th grade girls at church. We talk a lot about boys. Actually we talk more about men. “We date men, not boys!” is one of our group mantras. I try to encourage the girls to hold off for a few years on “pairing up” or having committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Let’s give it some time for the boys to grow into men.. (while the girls grow into women as well!)

So, the burning question becomes, “What’s a girl to do in the mean time?”

Push Pause:

I’ve tried to tell my girls that it’s not wrong to have a crush. It is very normal. God has made you this way – with an interest in and feelings for the opposite sex. It’s a God-given gift that will one day turn into romantic passion for a spouse, it just needs to be put on “pause” until the right time.

So what do you do with a crush during the “pause” years? You can either “feed” it and it will grow or “starve” it until the right time. Sadly, what I see most pre-teens and teens doing is feeding their crushes… and they grow and grow and grow!

I asked my girls to tell me what feeding a crush might look like. They knew!

  • Flirting
  • Stalking the boys on social media
  • Following the boys around/ intentionally being where they are
  • Talking about the crush with girlfriends who will encourage it
  • Seeking attention

So then we talked about what it would look like to starve a crush.

  • Instead of flirting, acting like friends
  • Being careful on social media
  • Talking about the crush with mom or others who will offer wise counsel
  • Not seeking attention
  • Treating boys like brothers (1 Timothy 5:2)

1 Timothy 5:1-2 pretty well sums it up. “Treat older women as mothers and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”   Young men are to treat all females in their lives as either a mother or a sister.  Young women are to treat all males in their lives as either a father or a brother.  That should help starve the crush!

“With absolute purity!”  This is pretty clear.  Purity in thought, purity in action, purity in words, purity in what we post on social media.

So if this is what not to do during the “pause” years, what am I encouraging the girls to do?

Pursue godly character:

First and foremost, you should be seeking to grow in godly character. Learn what it means to be a godly woman and concern yourself primarily with becoming that. Remember, just as I am telling the girls to wait for the boys to grow up into men, the boys are being taught to wait on you to grow from a girl to a woman. Are you becoming a young adult with the kind of character that the godly young men will be attracted to when the pause is lifted?

Pay attention:

Secondly, start to pay attention to and notice the young men around you. What kind of character do you see that you like and dislike? How does he treat his parents? Does he respect leaders, teachers and coaches? How does he act around his friends? How does he treat the unpopular or awkward kid? Is he serious about the things of the Lord? Is he reverent or silly when it’s time to worship? What kinds of things is he posting on social media? Is he trying to attract attention to himself or point others to God?

Now, turn all those questions around. How would a young man answer those same questions if he were paying attention to you? I think we have our work cut out for us during these pause years.  Plenty to do…  plenty to work on!

In summary, acknowledge the crush as a God-given legitimate feeling, put it on pause for a few years, starve the crush instead of feeding it, pay attention to godly characteristics in the boys around you, and get busy pursuing the kind of character in yourself that will attract the right kind of man (not boy!) at the right time.

Media Smart – Part 2

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In the first part of this series, we looked at how our family chose to segment our children’s technology devices – computers for school work, ipads for play, phones for communication. But what they all have in common is parent-set guidelines and limitations. No one has unlimited or unrestricted access to any technology. We limit where they can be used. We limit when they can be used. We limit how they can be used. That is what we will look at now.

 

Where: All technology is used in common areas in our home. Computers for homework can be used at the kitchen table, school table or upstairs open area. If they want to do homework in a bedroom, it has to be non-computer work. I request all screens to be facing out so that when I walk around the house, it’s easy to peek at what is being viewed. Ipads are checked out for “media time” and have to be used in common areas – usually the Living Room couch. And even (especially) phones stay in common areas. We have a phone charging station in the kitchen and office, and all phones are left there at night. Even ours! No phones in bedrooms or bathrooms or behind closed doors. We even ask our children’s friends to abide by this family policy. Offer a teenager a charging station in the common area and they are happy – their phones usually need to be charged! 🙂 Honestly, this is especially important because many of our children’s friends’ phones are not internet restricted, and therefore even more unwelcome into bedrooms with closed doors.

 

When: All technology is restricted in when it can be used. Even school computers are only used when a parent is at home. There is other homework that can happen when the children are home while I make a quick run to baseball practice. We want to set a pattern for accountability and no private technology usage. Ipads are time restricted because permission has to be granted to use them. We found a timer app on the iPad which allows us to set a designated amount of play time and then shuts the device off when time is up. The phones have a curfew because they sleep in the kitchen. When it’s bedtime, phones are turned off until morning – even Mom & Dad’s phones.

 

How: As parents we are providing the technology for our children and we are responsible to train them in how it is used wisely. We are determining how a computer, ipad and phone are used in our home by determining which devices are used for which purpose. One of the biggest “wins” so far has been the decision not to put social media apps on our daughter’s phone.  She has already made the observation of how much less time she is spending on Instagram because it isn’t on her phone. The boys spend so much less time playing video games because they are not on their phones.

We decided not to give any technology to our kids for birthday or Christmas gifts. Even if a device was a gift, we would still need to exercise our authority as the parents and set restrictions.  However, we felt that by not making these things a gift, it would help to further reinforce that this is a “tool” that we are allowing you to use, and we can take it away at any point. No one is “entitled” to any electronic devices.

 

Why: All these guidelines and restrictions beg the “why” question. Why is this such a big deal? Why so many limitations? There are both short term and long term answers to those questions.  For the short term, by segmenting and limiting technology, we hope to preserve more family time.  Both larger chunks of quality time together, and also moments along the way that aren’t squeezed out because everyone is on a device.  We hope that by restricting the amount of time spent on technology, they will be less likely to adopt addictive habits.  By segmenting their technology, there are limited things they can do on each device and are more likely to turn it off on their own initiative.  For example, because our daughter doesn’t have Safari or Instagram on her phone, she is more likely to put it down and talk to a friend.

Our long term hope is that by using these guidelines and restrictions we are teaching our children wisdom, and as they grown into adulthood, there are principles gained that will help them navigate the technology world on their own.

Things will change… rapidly! I have no doubt that our current devices will be outdated soon, and new things will be introduced that will cause us to change the way we operate in our family. And, regardless, as our children continue to grow older their freedoms will also increase. We won’t send our children to college without access to the App store!  However, our hope is that as things change, and as their freedoms grow, the principles and the goals will stay the same – the goal of raising responsible technology users, who can also rightly distinguish between the time for a toy or a tool.

Media Smart – Part 1

Posted on by hammfam

old_devices20110809 copy

One of the conversations I often find myself in centers around technology.  “When did you give your daughter a phone? How do you handle Instagram? What are you family rules for the internet?”

This post was compiled over the course of many conversations with other moms asking how our family has sought to “do technology” intentionally and wisely.  I cannot emphasize enough that every family is different.  There is no way that all the specifics of our “family policy” on technology could possibly work for you. My hope is that there is nugget here that might be helpful to you, or encourage you on your own family journey towards an intentional approach to technology.

 

I remember getting my first iphone and being blown away by how “convenient” it was to have all my technology and communication needs met by this one little device. How great that my phone, computer, address book, calendar, and even social life could all fit in my back pocket! Then came the realization that along with convenience came the temptation to be on my smart phone more often than I would have used the sum total of the other devices.

 

As it became time to introduce our children to the world of technology, we had to ask ourselves the question, “Do we go the route of convenience, which might also prove to be less expensive and less demanding of our time, or do we take the more costly road – both in terms of money and time?” If I, as an adult, can struggle to be disciplined and self-controlled in my technology usage, would it be wise to put such a temptation in the hands of a teenager?

 

So here’s where our family landed. Spend more money and time to segment technology.

 

Each device has a specific purpose:

  • computer for school work
  • ipad for play
  • phone for communication

 

We have 4 children, ages 13, 11, 9, and 7. This isn’t going to be simple or cheap. But it is an investment that feels worth it.

 

Computers. The older children need computers for school. They have to check assignments on the school website, type papers and research on-line. My husband found inexpensive computers for them to use. We have Open DNS on our home network and Covenant Eyes installed on every computer in our home. Each child has a Covenant Eyes account specific to his or her age and needs.  Covenant Eyes operates as both a filter and accountability service. Based on their log-in, they can access certain websites that we have allowed as they were assigned by a teacher, but no one has unlimited internet access. There are no games or social media on the kid’s computers. Computers are for school work only. This is a safe-guard for them to stay focused on homework, and keeps it simple for us to monitor. We get a daily email with a log of all the websites each user accessed that day.

 

Ipads. We invested in iPads for our kid as their “play device.” A wise friend recommended iPads for a play device because it has a larger screen – less privacy, more accountability and less mobility. You don’t stick an iPad in your back pocket or purse. The iPads all live in our home office, where they can be charged. Our children will get a little “media time” if homework and other responsibilities are taken care of and there is a block of free time.   Their media time choices include games on their iPads or the Wii. The kids grab their iPads, we set the timer for the allotted time, and they sit in a common area and enjoy their games. When the timer goes off, the iPads are put back in the office.

 

We have found Apple products to have pretty user-friendly parent controls. However, the main reason we went with Apple is that we are already familiar with the products because that is what we use personally. We have taken the time to set each child’s ipad with appropriate restrictions based on their ages. They each have picked (with our help!) Apps to download on their device. We allowed our daughter to join Instagram when she turned 13, and this is where she accesses it.  We have blocked access to the Internet (Safari is disabled) and the App store. If they want to download a new App, they have to ask us for it, we research the App and then download it for them. This involves entering a parent password, turning off restrictions, downloading the App, and then turning the restrictions back on. Again, it’s not simple, but worth the time investment!

 

Phones. “Tools not toys!” For years we told our kids that phones were “tools not toys” and they were ready for a phone when they needed a “tool” not a “toy.” This also meant not letting them play with our phones when they were little. We did not put any games on our phones to avoid that temptation. When our daughter was in 7th grade she starting playing volleyball for the school team. This required a phone for communicating pick-up time. She had a flip phone for a while but it was very hard to monitor. Jeff bought her a refurbished iPhone 5. Again, because we use iphones, it is familiar to us and easy for us to do a quick parent check of her texts, etc. We can use the same processes for blocking/allowing things on her phone as we do on the ipads. It’s “do-able” and therefore we can keep up with it. We have disabled Safari, (internet browser) all social media, (Instagram, etc.) and the App store on her phone. There are no games on her phone. She can text, call or take pictures. It is a “tool” for communication.

 

Computers for school work, ipads for play, phones for communication. But what they all have in common is parent-set guidelines and limitations. No one has unlimited or unrestricted access to any technology. We limit where they can be used. We limit when they can be used. We limit how they can be used. I’ll discuss that in part 2 of this series.

 

*update 2018 – our kids are now 16, 14, 12 and 10.  The older 3 have school computers. Same guidelines as above. We also have a special computer set aside for YouTube and other websites that are harder to filter, yet they occasionally need access for schoolwork. We enter a password for them to use this less-filtered computer as needed. The older 3 now have phones, but without social media or games on them. Our 16 year old has internet access on her phone through the Covenant Eyes app. Using this app instead of Safari allows us to set up filters, and we get a daily email report of all her internet activity.